literature

The Road

Deviation Actions

Longdragon92's avatar
By
Published:
239 Views

Literature Text

The road seems both short and long looking back now. Short because so little time had passed since I started this journey, but so much had changed now.  What could I do?

Looking down at the village that I had grown up in, I realized I couldn't go back. Too much had changed inside of me. The place, I realized, was filled with too many of the innocence and happiness of my childhood and the pains of loosing my adopted family. Their deaths were what started me on the road.

Still staring down at the cluster of small buildings, I traced the black lines marked under my left eye. It is a visual on how much I had changed. The simple and beautiful design that showed the world that I was not the same as I was, that I had been down that road.

A hand drop to my shoulder and I glanced back towards the man that had become my friend and mentor.

"You understand now," he said softly. He had warned me all the way here that my wish to return to this place was a symptom of nostalgic and nothing more.

I nodded slowly and only once. Rising to my feet I turned away from the small farming village. I could never go back. I never truly felt like I belonged there even before the journey and now I truly felt like an outcast even upon the hill overlooking those I once knew.

My friend had mounted his mare and handed me the reins to my stallion. "Look at it this way," he said, his voice light even playful. "This is just the closing of Chapter One in your epic journey of life and adventure."

Chuckling softly, I managed a small smile. "True enough," I conceded. "Race you!" I kicked my stallion's flanks and raced down the hill.

"Hey," he shouted, wheeling his mount about and racing after me. "No fair!"

I just laughed as we raced away from the tiny farming village and into new adventures. I had been down one road from beginning to end and I was looking forward to the next one and the one after that and after that until the end of time.
My first writing piece for :iconlive-love-write: writing prompt. This weeks prompt is Down That Road. I didn't really have an idea when I started but I rarely do. Though this is the shortest thing I have ever posted on any site...
Hope you enjoy it!!!

Edit: I have rewritten the story, per the suggestions of Halatia! Thanks Halatia!!!!!!
© 2010 - 2024 Longdragon92
Comments4
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Halatia's avatar
The road seems both short and long looking back now. Short because it was not that long ago that that I started this journey, but so much had changed now.

This opening almost works. Almost. I think that you cannot use the word “long” again in the second sentence in the way you have it now. It breaks the mirroring you’re trying to set up. I think it would read better with something along the lines of “Short because so little time had passed since the start of this journey, but long because of how much had changed.”

The repetitive use of the word change in the beginning is distracting. You are using so few words already to describe the scene (not a bad thing), they definitely all need to be different!

I wish the second paragraph was jut a touch longer. The abstract concepts of innocence and pain just don’t have the enough umph to carry any really, tangible feeling. Give me an image of each. What is innocent about the village? What is painful?

I think that maybe “symptom of nostalgic” should be “symptom of nostalgia.” Maybe. I can’t entirely decide.

Watch out for how many sentences you’re starting with “I verb.” Using the same sentence structure over and over tends to make the reader’s eye slide over the words rather than really pulling them in. Try changing it up a bit to keep people engaged.

I like how this ended. It didn’t go all schmulzty on us. It’s jut a hero or a brigand or whatever the character is taking one last look. And it’s not even really sad look. It’s just this pit stop on the road.

Well done!