Letter from Prison

My dearest Nickolas,

I can't tell you how many times I've tried writing this letter, or how many times I've written that line. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Even choosing to take the plea bargain pales in comparison to this.

I know I am a hard person to love. I get angry too easily, I can't be touched without jumping out of my skin, I don't react well to sexy outfits, and I always have to be the one to initiate and control intimacy to prevent a flash back. And yet you've put up with me since we were kids. If it wasn't for you I would have died long ago by my own hands and these last four years you've made every day feel like the brightest with your understanding and support. You understand me where no one else tried and you loved me unconditionally. But I can't put you through this.

Nick, I've made a terrible mistake and because of it my sentence has become void. I'm not getting out of here. Not in ten years, not in twenty. I have come to the conclusion that I will die before I leave these walls and see you again. I think that's what hurts the most. The knowledge that I'll never be able to hold you again. But while I will never stop loving you and its because of that that I must beg you to move on. You deserve so much better than me, you always have. Now you have the chance to find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Forget about me and move on with your life. I want you to be happy and live life to the fullest, for the both of us.

Please just cut me out of your life. Find someone to share your life with. Be happy and in doing so I'll be able to bear this place all the better. You don't have to write, I'll just feel it in my heart. I beg of you, in fact, not to. Don't waste your time on me. I'm not worth it. So please, don't waste so much as a thought on me even as I hold on to the memory of you to keep me sane.

This will be the only letter I will write,

Thomas